Living Sober Sucks (but living drunk sucks more) By: Mark A. Tuschel   

The Malingerer's Handbook

Living Off the Fruits of Someone Else's Labor.

A humorous view of living the lifestyle that you deserve. Learn to work smart - not hard. This book is required reading for anyone who is starting a new job. It is also required reading for bosses, managers, parents, anyone who has people under their charge - to learn all about the tactics that are used against you. Disturbingly funny, but oh so real.

When purchased through PayPal, your copy will be signed, numbered and have a personal inscription.

Order through PayPal only $8.95

with FREE standard shipping!

Order on Amazon.com only $8.95

Read it NOW with Amazon Kindle only $6.95

Read it NOW as eBook through Smashwords.com only $6.95 (Kindle, Sony Reader, Palm, PDF, or on your computer)

Samples from book:

Rule #1

Always blame bad luck

    As a Professional Malingerer, never ever acknowledge that failures have occurred due to your own actions - or inactions. It is far wiser, and of course much easier, to blame bad luck - I repeat, ALWAYS blame bad luck! The nice thing about blaming bad luck, it is an unseeable, unaccountable force. Assessing blame on something which can’t be seen (or proven), makes it much more difficult for others to substantiate that you had something to do with how events are unfolding. This way you can’t be held personally accountable for what has happened, or more importantly, what isn’t happening. Plus, you are not directly blaming another person (at this stage); you are just blaming an invisible entity or force that is working against you.

    Blaming bad luck is a key factor that sets the stage for one of the necessary elements of successful malingering – generating sympathy for yourself from others. You always want it to seem as though events that didn’t turn out positively were caused by bad luck, and project the appearance that you were at least earnestly trying. Who can fault you for an outcome that you had nothing to do with?

    Bad luck comes in many forms. From minor irritations such as losing your car keys, breaking a tool, getting a computer virus, being late due to heavy traffic, etc., to major catastrophes such as an automobile accident, natural disaster, dismemberment, being unjustly fired or laid off. A malingerer wants to allow bad luck to work in their favor to gain sympathy from people – or even better – develop empathy towards you. Empathy allows you to lure others into helping you out, either financially or with your own projects, and to have them overlook your failures as no fault of your own but owing to the unpredictable whims of bad luck.

    Everyone can relate to bad luck because we have all had inconvenient occurrences of bad luck happen to us. When using bad luck as your excuse, you need to draw the other person into hating bad luck just as much as you do. For example you might say, “I was working on this report and the next thing I know, some stupid window pops up and says there’s a virus on my computer - then it crashed! Everything was wiped out. Did that ever happen to you?” The other person will typically respond with, “Oh I know how that goes. I was working on blah, blah, blah.” Get the other person to expand on this and pull them into talking about their own experiences. Extract more details from them, become overdramatic about their plight. This directs the conversation away from you (and your lack of productivity) and causes them to talk about their own problems. This technique works great if you are employed in an office setting.

    Typically, issuing blame on bad luck will divert the attention away from you. It will also buy you some time to think of, and follow up with, a plausible explanation. The creation of plausible explanations will be fully detailed in Rule 3. At this point we want to study and work on analyzing when and how to issue blame on bad luck and evil external forces.

    Blaming bad luck can be used when you are confronted directly with questions regarding your performance (lack of performance), or queries into the results of your half-hearted efforts. Questions like: “Have you found a job yet?” “How come you didn’t paint the garage like you said you would?” “When are you going to mow the lawn?” “Why are your sales so low this month?” “Did you get that research paper done?” “How come you only got a C in that course?” “Why are you late?” can all be addressed with the explanation of your having encountered an incidence of bad luck. (continued in book)

Rule #2

Issue blame on others and elsewhere

    Your first impression might be that this sounds like Rule 1, but it is far different. In Rule 1 we blame bad luck and other conditions, to elicit sympathy from our listener. Whereas here with Rule 2 you actually do blame other people, their actions or an inanimate object to redirect focus away from yourself.

    There are times when it is necessary to directly blame another person. When doing so, it’s better to blame someone who is not readily available. For example, on their day off, they are on vacation, located at another branch, no longer work with you or have passed away. You want to do the same in your personal relationships as well. Blame someone who is not easily contacted. This would include, but is not limited to, the reclusive neighbor, mailman, a service repairman, one of your friends, or blame members of your own family. Blaming your spouse’s family is dangerous and sounds petty. Insinuate that your own friends and family are all lazy - a spouse will typically agree with you on this point.

    Who would argue with you when you blame your own family? Make a statement like, “You know what a goofball my brother is. I went over to help him move and he didn’t have anything packed. He didn’t even have the moving truck rented yet. Then his friend Bob didn’t show up, so it was just the two of us. Now I have to go back and help him finish tomorrow.” Or, “My sister was supposed to call her old boss and get an interview lined up for me. She forgot to call and now she’s out of town. I’ll just have to wait until she gets back and hopefully she’ll be able to get me that interview.” (Delivery is of utmost importance. Rule 3 will cover how your statements should be performed.)

    An excellent first response is to always blame a person who can’t speak English - unless your boss/teacher/spouse also speaks that particular language - then you must blame someone else who speaks another language, or doesn’t speak English very well. This technique is perfect for the work environment but it is also quite applicable with interpersonal relationships. When asked, “Did you call the cable company yet?” Your response, “I did, but I swear nobody speaks English there! I couldn’t understand a word she said. I think they’re coming out tomorrow? I’ll have to hang around home all day to see if they get here.” (continued in book)

Contents

Introduction (7)

#1 - Always blame bad luck (11)

#2 - Issue blame on others and elsewhere (19)

#3 - Create plausible explanations (25)

#4 – Prioritize (35)

#5 - Look busy (41)

#6 - Over-commit (49)

#7 - Create evidence of activity (57)

#8 - Take frequent naps (65)

#9 – Self-justify (71)

#10 - Enjoy the fruits (77)

Published by: CW Media, Inc.