Living Sober Sucks (but living drunk sucks more) By: Mark A. Tuschel   

For Women Only: 

This page is dedicated strictly to the unique issues that female alcoholics encounter. Here you will find editorials and articles written by other women that cover health issues, emotional issues and support for mothers who want to control their drinking. There will also be links to other sites. Scroll down to listen to Podcasts of a special Living Sober Sucks radio show dedicated to women.

This page is in the midst of construction. If you would like to contribute some writing or have suggestions for links, please email Mark.

Suggested Reading for Women:

Here are links to some other websites that may be of interest to you:

Safe Passages: Safe Passages provides individual support and ongoing aftercare to individuals in transition from treatment to enhance relapse prevention.  Our two founders, Annee Delaware and Connie Millimaki,  have more than 50 years of experience in the field of chemical dependency.

We are dedicated to all aspects of insuring well being and integration into a life without substances. Safe Passages provides the following services:

• Escorting clients safely to and from chemical dependency treatment. We will also accompany clients to other facilities, court and other appointments while clients are in treatment.
• Sober Companions; reside with clients in their homes and accompany them in both domestic and international travel.
• Sober Life Coaching
• Interventions
• Educational presentations
• Workshops

Diane Dennis - Life Coach: Transition is a process that accompanies change in our lives. To receive assistance from a coach during the stages of transition helps assure a healthy outcome leading to rewarding personal transformation.

Diane Dennis, Life Transition Coach guides you gently through the journey of transition where you will discover:

• Renewed Purpose
• Realize Dreams
• Re-Write a New Life Map

Please donate to the Milwaukee Area Domestic Animal Control (Animal Rescue). Here's the web address to donate: www.madacc.com/friends

Adopt or foster a dog or cat. There are many good pets waiting to find a home. Save an animal from death by getting one from your local Animal Shelter. These animals have a sense that you are the one that saved them. The love that you will share between you can't even be described with words. Please rescue a dog or cat.

Please support Living Sober Sucks website with a contribution. 

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It happens to the best of us. Real stories from real people: 

Here’s an email from a young woman who lives in Indonesia. Her name is Natsja. I have not edited or changed any of her words. I have omitted some of her personal information for privacy purposes. I find it interesting that no matter what country you live in, we drunks have very similar dilemmas.

Dear Mark,

Again, I want to thank you for sharing your thoughts, ideas, and experiences with me. They have helped me make a huge step forward in this whole getting sober process. I read your book and loved it!

Although I have been working to this decisive moment most part of my adult life (ever since I got clean from heroine and started to replace it with alcohol), it was finding your website and recognizing most of the things you’ve written, that gave me the courage to ban alcohol from my life. The no nonsense approach, clear and direct language speaks to a lot of people I imagine.

I am not scared anymore for the “never again a buzz”, or missing out on the fun moments and joys that alcohol also brought to my life (because it did, on numerous occasions). I am not scared anymore to acknowledge myself and express thoughts and ideas that I thought would be received as not socially excepted.

I was drilled into the idea that something was wrong with me, and needed to be fixed. There was no room for my real feelings, or so I thought. I know I am going to be fine. I know that, because my life was already fine, except for the intoxicated interludes of course. I do understand that difficult moments will come, but I will embrace them.

I am not being naive here, that would be an insult to myself. I am equipped now with all the tools and strength it will take to be sober, but most of all, I am equipped with all the tools to have the courage to be ME.

Over the last years I have worked very hard on my spiritual wellbeing. But what I lacked was the practical no nonsense voice that told me: “You can meditate and OHM and chant as much as you like, but if you don’t actually apply it to your life and you keep making excuses for yourself for every time you drink and end up screwing things up, what good will it do to you ?”

It is not that I screwed things up so much for other people, it was I that I was sabotaging; and I have known that all along, all those years. I just didn’t consider myself important enough to be nurtured and well treated by myself. I didn’t feel that I deserved to reach for the stars.

And of course there are reasons for that. We can go back to my youth and traumatic experiences, but that wouldn’t change anything. Things are the way they are, and I have the power to choose how to build my life around it. So all it took was to feel deep down, that I am ok the way I am. And that it is good enough to reach for those stars…. easy right ?

Must sound all sobby and girlie, but that’s what I am, a girl (or a woman if you prefer) We women are emotional creatures. Well many of us any way.

That’s probably why you made a special “women only” page on your website.

Not because we are emotional or sentimental, but because we are a bit different from you guys. And we have different needs and ways of healing and progressing.

Again, I am not an expert in any field; I only have my own experiences and ideas. I have been working on myself for numerous years, trying to find peace with myself, be content and happy with myself. I found a lot of good and valuable things in Buddhism.

Like you, I cannot believe in 1 great power, outside ourselves, who can save you, keep you from harm, or make your life miserable. And I think you do too, because many of your ideas and suggestions coincide with Buddhist philosophy. E.g. YOU have the power and YOU make the decisions in your life, Do something for others (volunteer), compassion (most of all to yourself), respect etc…

Buddhism and its ideas and techniques have done me tremendous good. I have grown, matured and learned that the greatest power is right here, in you. It is up to us to make use of it.

And I think a lot of these philosophies and working techniques are helpful to get things into perspective on the road of sobriety, especially for women. I love your book and website and is a huge data bank of resources, mind setters etc.

Hell, it gave me the last push to make the only right decision for me! Very practical, no nonsense and male orientated, which makes sense since you are a man! I do not criticize your work here, Mark, really, however for me personally there is something missing.

Now again, I am not an expert in any field, and I don’t pretend to speak for ALL women, I just share some of my thoughts with you. Not all, but many women have the need to nurture their spiritual side, let’s say their soul, besides the mind altering and practical sides of a sober life. Probably more than men do.

Here are some the things that help me.

And I also add a short list of suggestions for your “ex-drunkards to do list”. Love the list, but I don’t think a lot of women will get all excited about go-karting, test drives or paintball. So I added some special girlie ideas.

Jeez, look at me, being all pro active and involved!!!

 I found a lot of clear ideas, power and perspective in the following:

      Meditation. Clearing your mind, easing your thoughts, calm your body, strengthen your spirit.

Some practical information can be found on www.meditationinmadison.org  but there are numerous websites, so browse and find something that speaks to you.

      Read about Buddhism or other alternative spiritual things. Stay open minded and critical. Same as with religion or groups, it is important to keep a critical mind and don’t get over involved or lose yourself. They can be guides on your path, they are not life savers! But most of all, they often offer practical exercises and ideas to make you feel at peace and more relaxed. And in that state of mind, we are better equipped to deal with all the shit in our lives

      Read about anything that interests you ! And more importantly, make time to read !!!!!!

      Create a silent place for you to retreat for an hour. Install a moment in your week that will be your time to spend on your own, away from the stress of sober and daily life. Time to recharge the battery. It can be in the bathroom, pampering yourself with a hot bath, a facial mask a manicure. Or a walk in the forest to reconnect with nature. In bed with a good book and some soothing music. Anything, as long as the other family members respect your time off and leave you to yourself. Women being most of the time, the manager of the household as well as holding a job, it is more difficult for them to claim some “me-time”. They often don’t have the possibility to walk out of the house for a couple of hours, like men tend to do whenever they feel the need.

      Engage your partner in the chores and running of the house and children. It will take pressure of the woman and it will make her feel more respected and appreciated. Having more time to herself will give her the opportunity to rediscover her femininity, which will definitely

      Connect with other women to discuss, talk, and experience other things than being and staying sober. Paint each other’s nails, dye each others’ hair, etc… Reconnect with your femininity. 

Special women ex-drunkard to-do list:

Watch old movies! Whenever I am in one of those sentimental moods, (like once a month or whenever sober life is too boring to bear), I love settling in front of the tv, with tea and M&M’s and a stack of old romantic movies. Nothing beats a good old sob in front of the TV! My personal favorites:

Terms of Endearment
You’ve got mail
Sleepless in Seattle
Steel Magnolias
Dirty Dancing
Sound of Music
When a man loves a woman (with the bonus of Meg Ryan getting sober !!)
Ghost
An affair to remember

       Sing love songs to yourself. When you are feeling down and lonely, take out the love song CD’s and instead of picturing a loved one (lost or still present) sing all these lovely things to yourself. Sounds really bizarre and maybe even pathetic, but I found myself doing that the other day and it really helps me to come to terms with myself. I enjoy being me a little more every time!!!

      Back to nature: Go for walks on the beach, in the forest. Breathe in the fresh air. Notice the squirrels going about their business, the birds, the awesomeness of  nature, large trees, standing there for decades….The calming effects are great. It creates time to be alone with your thoughts and feelings. Plus you get your exercise.

That’s about it Mark. These are things that work for me; I don’t pretend that any of them are beneficial for others. I just wanted to share them with you.

Love

Natasja

By: Anonymous Woman in NY. Hi, I felt compelled to email... your tone is actually comforting to me. I love an ass hole with a heart. This is what my boyfriend of 11yrs is too; it’s not an insult. He opened my eyes (and gave me access) to all of the substances I've ever tried. We met when I was 17. I'm 29. Last week he pulled the plug. Too much money and it was "about time to give it up anyway." No more running, no more calls. Time to sober up. scared!! I knew it would hurt. Jitters, irritability, boredom, headaches, did I mention headaches? Sleepy, weepy, stomach pains. I am (I mean I WAS) one of those "functioning" addicts. Job, man, kids, house, dog, paid the bills etc.

Aside from the physical pain, finding self-worth through this process is hard. I always frowned upon people who feel sorry for themselves. I have no self-pity, it’s more like self-loathing. I like being hazy, and lifting my comfort fog really sucks the big one. Luckily, I look pretty good; there was never a need for beer goggles, haha. I'm afraid of what life is going to be like... what the man I chose to be with will be like... I mean damn, I don't even know who I am! I had been a happy hippy my entire adult life! I never thought I'd be the one crying myself to sleep, for "no reason". I have no tolerance for that type of weakness, and here it is, coming from me. It’s embarrassing, but liberating to share this with you... a complete stranger somewhere in cyberspace. I like to think that you're nodding your head in agreement as you read this, but I don't expect you to care either. It just helps to type it out and not have to worry about what you're going to say. If I like it, great. If not, tough shit.

I will not be seeing a doctor, as this is nothing medical, it’s just life. I'll find new ways to cope. That's part of the problem, you know? People go to a doctor, spill their guts, and get prescriptions. They give up one drug for another. Life doesn't get better by any substance. I'll do my best to live by those words.

My resolution: to not set myself up for failure. I'll never make another promise I can't keep. It’s still too soon for me to say I'll never use anything again. Before I do though, I'll remind myself that on 1/25/11, I spilled my guts to Mark. He knows sobriety sucks, but if he can stay sober, I can too.

My Grandma (who adopted me, so she's my Mom too) told me from a very early age, that "A day at a time isn't just for alcoholics, and nothing gets solved in one night." So true. (R.I.P. Gram '09)
Anyway, tears are making their way out of my eyes. Damn it. This email is like therapy. Good luck on your continued sobriety, and I hope you can find pleasure in the fact that you brought me some comfort today.

PS: I don't expect you to post this, but if you'd like to, it’s cool. Misery loves and deserves company. I know that this sobriety process will get (somewhat) easier with time. Peace fellow former fiend.

Scared, Trembling, Ashamed, Hot, Sick, Desperate.

By: Corrina

I’m 48 years old, a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister, and I was addicted to booze, absolutely could not stop myself from drinking, and I was terrified.

But wait!!! Keep reading, after the Gloomy Gus part I really really am 100% better!!!!  It’s kinda like a Pantene commercial - it won’t happen overnight - but it will happen.

Day after day went by and I knew, I mean I knew that if I didn’t change what I was doing to myself and my family that something catastrophic would happen.

It did. My husband put my sorry, but skinny butt (a nice residual effect from consuming nothing but Woodbridge Cabernet for months) into Rehab.

This was my nightmare of all nightmares. Now, looking back I realize I knew it was coming. Under the hazy flood of inebriation my brain still functioned enough to know that I couldn’t continue putting alcohol into my body all day, every day.  I had become completely incompetent. That’s what my 16 year old daughter told me, and it was true. I could barely function.

If you are reading this I need go no further. You are having trouble with alcohol, or pot or sleeping pills or some other chemical.

You can change if you really want to. You can get better, feel better and become a competent vital person. And don’t get hung up on the whole - If I admit I have a problem or say I am an alcoholic I can Never have a drink again! Not True. You can always pick up a drink again if that’s what you want. It’s a free country.  The general consensus is that folks like us with booze issues should not drink. Which makes sense because Duh-if you don’t drink liquor you absolutely cannot get drunk right? Right. But-I think the idea that by admitting I was in trouble meant that I could never drink again stopped me from getting help earlier. So remember, you can always decide to go back to boozing. I think once you experience not being drunk or hung-over most of the time, you won’t want to.

It ain’t easy. But please believe me it is possible. It can be a difficult and painful road- sobering up and facing all your problems in the cold harsh light of reality. Getting drunk and fantasizing that you are happy is just that…a fantasy. You wake up hung-over and so sick that you have to have a drink just to get going. That was so not what I dreamed of when I was young. I bet you didn’t either.

Folks like Mark and myself know what it’s like to feel alone and scared. Don’t be afraid to reach out. Nothing bad can happen from getting some advice or gaining knowledge about any problem. And nothing bad will happen by you stopping to drink - you can always start again.

I wasn’t using alcohol as a crutch - I was using it as a full body cast!

Don’t wait for someone to force you to quit or throw you into rehab and label you an alcoholic. Get help and get better. Corrina.

(Women are invited to email Corrina directly with questions or to have an open discussion on female alcoholism. Your privacy is GUARANTEED.)

Diane Dennis 

Life Transition Coach

In the beginning of our relationship, we had a blast. Laughing over cocktails, dinners out, road trips and shopping sprees. He was a happy guy who liked to laugh. Slowly his laughter was replaced with scrutiny, criticism, and resentment. At the onset I assigned his attitude shift to the settling in of our marriage, work stress, and a letting down of his guard.

He spent a lot of time in the garage, cleaning, fussing with tools, and buffing the cars. The garage held a refrigerator stocked with cases of beer. There are many things that can erode a marriage. Any sort of a wedge distances partners, and chokes the fragile eco system of emotional intimacy. For my marriage the wedge was Bud Lite. My husband cracked open cans of beer as he did his chores, read the paper, mowed the lawn, and played with the kids. The insidious nature of this type of drink is that you can’t tell the difference between beer #1 and beer #15. He didn’t fall down drunk or slur his words. However, tell tale signs showed up in behavior and attitudes, along with an intimidating swagger. I eventually began to jump when I would hear him pop open a can, as if it were a shotgun blast.

I began to blame myself for his criticism, careful not to say things he might react to, and finally withdrawing into myself. My coping strategy was to tiptoe carefully around him, as if he were a sleeping Lion I didn’t want to wake. Curiously this made him more volatile and he began calling me stoic, and backing me into corners with tight fists.

One day I mentioned that his unhappiness (moody and broody) at home might be to his beer consumption, and maybe he could try an experiment—try drinking at work and not at home and see if his happiness would transfer from his job to his family. Of course this was said tongue in cheek, and off the cuff. Silence ensued, and I braced myself for an outburst for my unguarded expressions.

Finally he said: “I have a drinking problem.” I mentioned that he might want to slow down. No, he said he had to quit. Instead of celebrating, I went into a panic. Why did I intuitively know that the train was about to come off the rails? He replaced drinking with raging. I begged him to drink a little, or get on medication, or seek help. I hated him sober. He was either mean or dull, and always judgmental. Now the shift of what was wrong with him switched to wondering about my sanity. What normal person would want an alcoholic to drink? Maybe I was going crazy, I thought.

Divorce was his answer; after all I was the problem. Years of therapy, introspection and reflection, helped me understand. Drinking is a symptom of a myriad of issues. Just like you can’t paint a wall to fix decaying wood, the foundational issues of alcoholism must be addressed and dealt with. He believed that to stop drinking was the end of his journey into sobriety. The rest of the fixing was on me. I was helpless, hopeless, and clueless.

My underlying attitude of alcoholism was formed from my family of origin. My father was an alcoholic. He left my mother when I was three, after cheating and beating. My stepfather (who’s father was an alcoholic) didn’t drink, but was an angry, sullen and volatile man. This was the story I had in my head of drinkers and abstainers, so when my husband said he was an alcoholic and was going to abstain, all I could think of was to run.

Recovery is a journey for the drinker and their partner. On the path towards enlightenment, there are always lessons to be learned, nuggets of gifts received, revelations revealed, and strengths developed. I now teach others that adversity is an opportunity for growth. By living with an alcoholic I became more intuitive and insightful. I now offer my insights to help others. My new career sprung from learning and developing skills through university level education, certification programs, reading books, attending therapy—as well as attending the “hard knocks school.”

I now work as a certified Life Transition Coach assisting individuals and couples through difficult life transitions. Visit my website and drop me a line at www.coachdianed.com

on iTunes only $9.99