livingsobersucks.com Blog

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I promise that this won’t be some depressing, morbid article. But if you are considering suicide, give it 30 days and make some plans.

I’ve heard from a lot of people who quit drinking, doing drugs, or were trying to quit, talk about committing suicide. I was one of them. But I took it seriously – I planned it out and didn’t talk to anyone about it until the day before it was schedule.

Scheduled? How do you schedule a suicide? Let me share some details.

I had been sober for a little over 4 years. The first two years of sobriety was the worst time in my life. The third year wasn’t much better. The fourth year I began making some dramatic progress with my physical health, my mental health and my financial health. However, I was tired. I wasn’t seeing any more progress coming into my life. I had lost a lot of my friends – some due to death and some due to my own sobriety. I had worked so hard at rebuilding my life and I was simply tired. I couldn’t see anything exciting or enjoyable to come in my future.

During the four years of my sobriety I had gotten to know a lot of people through my website and my writing. As I talked with many of them they told me stories of their child’s, sibling’s or spouse’s suicide. I would ask, “How did it make YOU feel?” Naturally, they had multiple feelings, but many felt betrayed and angry. Betrayed by the person who left them with a mess to clean up (financial and legal), angry that the person left them with more burdens than while they were alive. They were also sad, sad that the person was gone, but sadder for the children, friends and family that were left to deal with the aftermath, the unanswered questions.

Those stories made me realize how selfish suicide is. I felt that if I was going to commit suicide I didn’t want to burden my family and friends with MY mess – the bills, accounting, cleaning and purging of my home, the legal hassles. That wouldn’t leave a good memory of me. They would hate me even more for what I did.

I had contemplated suicide during the first three years of sobriety, but I didn’t want to lose. I wanted to prove to people that I could stay sober, rebuild my life and become a productive person. I had done that and now I was tired. I was ready, it was time to go. I realized, “Hey, I’m serious about this.” I began to think about the feelings of OTHERS. I wondered why I felt suicide was an option. Was I blaming someone else for my sadness? If so, who and why? Was this some twisted way of me “getting even” with someone? And if I am blaming another person, how can I let that person have so much control over me?

The more I thought about these questions the more I thought about other people. I wanted to make sure that no one felt guilt or responsibility. I wanted to make certain that I was doing this for my own reasons and not as a result of someone else. I also realized that I needed far more time to handle all preparations.

So I spent the months of November and December cleaning my house. Purging and throwing out old junk. I donated a lot of clothes that I was no longer wearing. I paid off all of my big bills. I compiled a report with all important bank and credit account numbers with telephone contact numbers (to close accounts after I was gone). I made sure that I had my beneficiaries updated on my life insurance policy, with copies of policies and contact telephone numbers. I had my attorney draft up a will distributing all of my tangible possessions. All bank accounts and financial accounts were setup to be P.O.D. (Payable On Death), or T.O.D. (Transfer On Death).

I detailed out all directives for the transfer and handling of my business. I also had directions for what type of funeral party I wanted and what I wanted done with my body. I made sure that all paperwork was correct and prepared. I then took a large sealed envelope over to my sister and told her, “I’m going to be doing some traveling, so this is just in case something happens. It doesn’t get opened unless I die.” We had a laugh and then talked about normal stuff.

I knew exactly how, where and what day I would finish. Once again I took others into consideration. I didn’t want to leave an icky mess or make a mistake and not complete my project. I had no intention of drinking or using drugs prior. I wanted toxicology or any autopsy (if performed), to show that my system was clean. I had full faculty and clarity of what I was doing.

Once all preparations were handled, I invited a business colleague over to my house for dinner on Friday night. (That Sunday evening was my scheduled completion date.) I made it clear that I wanted to discuss a very serious matter. I said, “I would like you to review some plans that I’m making and see if you can spot any holes or flaws in my line of thinking.”

The conversation was lighthearted and very businesslike. I explained that I wasn’t fishing for sympathy or attention. “I know how to get attention if I want it.” My colleague knows me and understood that my plans were highly calculated. She didn’t try to talk me out of it. What she did do was exactly what I had asked: She saw some holes in my line of thinking. She presented some ideas for me to implement, which I hadn’t considered, and suggested that I work on these ideas for 30 days. If after 30 days I saw no progress and still felt the same way, she agreed to do my eulogy. We then had dinner.

I took notes during our conversation and agreed to implement some of her suggestions beginning that Monday morning. Ironically, there was an unopened envelope on my kitchen table from Barnes & Noble. I hadn’t opened it because I had dealt with enough rejection over the past few years. I didn’t open the letter all weekend because I wanted to stay focused on positive planning for the next 30 days.

That Monday morning arrived and I decided to start with opening the “rejection letter.” That letter was not a rejection letter – it was a letter of intent with an order to purchase my book! Two pieces of paper changed how I felt about myself. For 4 years I felt worthless, unloved and unlovable. During those 4 years I had the love and support of MY family. I had the love and support of old friends and words of appreciation from new friends. Yet I still felt useless and worthless until one piece of outside recognition came my way.

What an awful disservice I had almost committed to the many others who genuinely care about me. I hold them in higher appreciation now because they cared about me before I received that piece of outside recognition.

So here I am, still alive and I’m writing this blog. Three of my books are in Barnes & Noble stores, on Amazon.com, on Nook and Kindle and through other sources. The Audiobooks are on iTunes and numerous other outlets. My work and views on sobriety are of interest to people all over the United States and internationally. I have made a lot of progress in making the best out of my sobriety.

Here’s what I learned: Suicide is very selfish and it leaves a mess for those you leave behind. I didn’t want to burden others with a mess, so I organized my life and wanted to make my departure less of a problem for those who would be stuck taking care of the aftermath. This required me to think about OTHER PEOPLE.

The recounting of my entire life: My accomplishments, my failures, my material belongings, my behaviors, my memories, my goals, my relationships and my thoughts were all part of my suicide planning. It always brought me back to taking OTHER PEOPLE into consideration. The organizing of my debts, assets and legal documentation always required me to think about OTHER PEOPLE.

To me, my life didn’t seem worth living but through this process I realized that my life was worth living for others. My life means something to other people. I will not selfishly take that away from them, regardless of how I might ever feel about myself. I live sober and healthy FOR others, but I receive the benefits.

If you are serious about suicide, or even if you’ve simply talked about it, give yourself at least 30 days. During those 30 days, think about how your suicide will affect others. Think about how you want to be remembered. Go over your finances and your belongings. Think about how you must organize areas of your life so you don’t leave others with a messy burden to clean up after you’re gone. Think about other people.

Your life may not seem valuable to you, but it’s probably invaluable to many others. Before you do harm to yourself, even if it’s just taking that next drink, line, hit or bump, think of others.

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I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase: “Life is a journey not a destination.” Yeah, well that sounds great but it’s not always fun when the destination is hell and you’re riding in the middle seat on a bus that smells like B.O. But I understand the thought process behind the statement. I’ve been guilty of not enjoying the journey.

It’s not always easy to enjoy the journey and see the good at the NOW point. I spent a lot of my life waiting. Waiting for this to happen or waiting for that to happen,,, then I’ll be happy,,, then I’ll start working out,,, then I’ll look for a new job,,, then I’ll start my own business,,, then I’ll write a book,,, then I’ll quit drinking,,, then I’ll be happy…

While all that waiting was going on, life was still going on and I was still actively doing something, but I failed to taste and enjoy all that I was in the midst of doing. And on those rare occasions when the “now I’ll be happy” arrived, the moments of joy were short-lived because I celebrated by getting drunk and then waiting for the next “then I’ll be happy.”

When I say “enjoy the journey and appreciate the NOW” I’m not inferring that all activities and processes will be pleasurable. There are times when the destination is better than the journey, but I go back to appreciating the NOW. Once you’ve arrived at your “destination” – enjoy it.

What does this have to do with living sober? I was so busy being miserable during my first year of sobriety that I forgot that I was alive. The second and third year of sobriety weren’t much better. Oh sure, there were moments of happiness, but they were few and far between. I kept focusing on the calendar: “I’ll be happy when I’m sober for a year, 2 years, no, at 3 years I’ll be happy…” I forgot to enjoy being sober NOW.

In reflection I feel as if I wasted three years of my sobriety waiting for that “magic day” to arrive. The time has been spent, I wasted it by not fully enjoying the journey of learning, expanding, growing stronger and making the best out of my sobriety. True, money wasn’t wasted on getting wasted, drama and bullshit were eliminated, my health improved, but I neglected to emotionally enjoy those things while they were going on. By not feeling the emotions I was denying myself the opportunity to appreciate the NOW when it was happening.

Enough preachy shit Mark, give an example of the NOW process. Let’s say your destination is: “I want to get a new car.” Well the journey of researching cars, looking at cars, test-driving cars, working and saving for a new car can be more fun than the car itself. If you’re solely fixated on the car and only the car, the experience of everything else will be missed. And if you impulsively “gotta have that car” you might be stuck with payments that you can’t afford for the next four years and you’ll be regretting your decision.

So this means: “Take your time, enjoy the journey. Enjoy the process and appreciate what you do have and what you can afford.” Absolutely strive for more, but stuff is just stuff along the journey.

Now at this point you might be saying, “Fuck you Mark. You’ve got a big fancy motor coach and you travel around the country and act cool.” I wouldn’t blame you for saying that, however you don’t know the whole story. You may not realize what I was willing to go without, how much planning and work I put into getting myself into this position. Nobody just came along and gave it to me. In fact, many people wanted to take things away from me. And now, some even try to undermine my sobriety because I don’t follow their religion. And some people won’t want you to enjoy your NOW.

As long as you’ve made the decision to live sober you might as well make the best out of it and appreciate the NOW and not be too fixated on some magical destination. The challenges and the struggles of life are part of the journey. Of course we would all like life to flow along seamless and without problems, but that’s not reality.

So what do I do to appreciate the NOW? I’m mindful of my situations. I might not like certain conditions, the way things are, what is or has transpired, or the spot I’m in. But I ask myself: “How can I make the best out of it?” This isn’t some silly “put on a smiley face” bullshit. Some things totally suck. But I’m here, life is happening to me NOW, so I better do something with it.

Learning to appreciate the NOW allows me to be happier in life. I accept the lows and the struggles for what they are. I can address my problems with a better attitude. I’m not delusional, I know things won’t always (if ever), turn out perfectly as planned. But I feel as if I have more say in the matter – regardless of whether it’s a good or bad outcome.

Here’s what I reflect on:

• What have I learned?
• What did I experience?
• Am I missing living NOW because I’m waiting to live LATER?
• Am I expecting more than I have put in?
• Am I missing being grateful for what I have NOW?
• Am I feeling like I deserve more than I have earned?
• What’s been my role in all that I’ve experienced?
• Am I so busy wanting and waiting that I’m forgetting the doing?

By having a higher appreciation of the NOW, I can be happier with what I currently have or the way things currently are. This also gives me more clarity towards what I want. I can better define what I don’t like, what I do want and then determine if there is anything that I can do about it. And if I can do something about it, what am I going to do?

Look, I’m not one of those annoyingly bubbly, overly happy people – but I’m not a total pessimist either.  I know that some things can royally suck, but I can make a concerted effort to appreciate what I do have, to enjoy the journey and experience the NOW.

If you’re going to live sober, enjoy it NOW. Don’t wait for sobriety to magically bring something to you on some certain date in the future; YOU have to make the best out of your sobriety NOW. So please do me a favor and go enjoy your life.

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I dedicate an entire chapter in my book: Okay, I quit. Now what? towards ideas for finding new sober friends and rekindling past friendships. This article will be focused on finding a sober mate. I want to point out that this is not an expose on “how to get laid.” (If you want to do that, just go to a lot of meetings and start 13^th stepping the newbies. Sorry, that was shitty of me to say, we all know that never happens.) This article is about a legitimate question asked by many newly sober and long-term sober single people.

This may shock you, but once in a while a relationship ends because one of the people in the relationship sobers up and the other doesn’t. Maybe you’ve found yourself single because you decided to live sober and your partner didn’t and possibly your search for a new sober mate hasn’t been all that rewarding.

Of course it’s nice to have someone to share your life with, but another person CANNOT be sober for you. The right person can help you stay sober and they can become one of the reasons why you want to stay sober, but putting the responsibility of “keep me sober” on another person is unfair. Even if you don’t openly ask the person to do so, you may be subconsciously putting that responsibility upon them. (You might be doing this if you’re in a marriage or committed relationship.) So before you actively go searching for a sober mate, work on being comfortable with yourself and confident in your own sobriety.

I’m in contact with a lot of different people and I’m frequently asked the following question from women: “Where do I go to meet guys like you?  All I ever meet are losers and jerks.”  I know that they don’t mean ME in particular, but they want to meet semi-sane, healthy, employed or at least productive – sober guys. What’s funny is that some of these women are still actively drinking, but they want a sober guy – “no more drunken losers.” That’s when I ask, “Ummm, and a sober guy would want to date you why?” (It’s not just women, guys who drink do the same thing.)

I’m asked similar questions by men looking to meet sober women. This may sound crazy, but sober guys aren’t interested in drunken drama queens – some guys have minds that think beyond their pecker. And the same question is asked by people who are interested in same-sex relationships. “Where do I find a sober mate?”

I believe it’s extremely important that you think about what YOU want and what you can bring to a relationship. Do you want someone who doesn’t drink at all, or can you deal with a social drinker? Do you want someone with the same religious beliefs or same denomination as you, or doesn’t it matter? Are you searching for someone with the same sobriety values as you? (An AA follower for example.) What are some stable and positive qualities that you can bring to a relationship? Can you be fun, diverse and interesting even as a non-drinker?

So, back to the question: “Where do I go to find a sober mate?”

Let me first tell you where and how you WON’T find that special person:

1. You won’t meet sober people and a potential sober mate if you’re hanging out in bars or nightclubs.
2. You won’t always meet truthful, sober people on internet dating sites. It’s too easy to lie about marital, relationship, income, drinking and drug use status. Some people actually use these sites specifically so they can lie.
3. You won’t meet a sober mate by you relapsing and getting drunk at a picnic, wedding reception, party, etc. Even social drinking at these events gives off the wrong message.
4. You won’t be very appealing to a sober mate by crying your tale of woe, telling everyone you meet about your drunken past and wreckage or preaching the good word of sobriety wherever you go.
5. You won’t meet a sober mate by hiding at home.

So where and how do you meet a new sober mate? Just because you don’t drink doesn’t mean you have to limit yourself to only people within a sober association. Yes, you could attend AA meetings hoping to find a sober mate. But remember that AA is NOT intended to be a sober pickup joint and you shouldn’t use it as one. However, there are social events put on by AA which are intended for socializing. Everyone who attends AA isn’t necessarily an ardent “12-step disciple.” I personally don’t go to those events because “the program” is what most people talk about there, but hey, I’m not you and you’re not me – so give it a try and discover for yourself – you might like their social events.

Where else do you meet sober people? At a gym, a bookstore, at work, at sporting events, parties,,, hundreds of places – any place that people go. What’s key is that you pay attention to what the other person is doing and what subjects they talk about. This means you have to be willing to risk rejection by introducing yourself and starting some small talk.

I think the BEST place to meet someone is at a grocery store and here’s why: The contents of a person’s grocery cart reveals a lot about their lifestyle. Take close look at the guy’s grocery cart. Is it filled with 3 cases of Bud Light, a bottle of Fleischmann’s and a bunch of TV dinners? Maybe he’s not the best prospect if you’re looking for a sober guy. Look at the guy. Is he messy? Does he have a wedding ring on (or a tan line from a ring)? Is there a box of Tampons in the cart? What type of food is in there? If it’s a woman standing in line and she’s holding a couple bottles of wine and has bruises on her arms, you may not wish to strike up a conversation.

If the person looks interesting, ask an innocent question: “You know how to cook all that?” or something to that effect. No one likes rejection, but you’ll never know until you ask. It’s better if you just ask a simple question and don’t try to be a smooth pickup artist. After a bit of small talk, a nonthreatening question such as, “I’d like to get to know more about you. Would you like to go out for coffee or to dinner sometime?” See what happens. You won’t know until you ask. It hurts the ego if the person says, “No,” but it isn’t like you were asking them to donate blood to save your life (and if you view a turn down for a date as a threat to your life then you have bigger problems than this article will help you with).

You can find out if the person is a drinker when you ask questions during small talk BEFORE you ask them if they would be interested in a date. There are verbal cues a person that drinks puts out. You can ask about hobbies or sports interests. Even discussing grocery shopping can reveal whether a person is a drinker. Asking something like, “So what kind of wine goes good with that?” is a great question. The person might say, “Screw the wine, two Martinis would be better,” or they might say, “I don’t know, I don’t drink.” If you actually pay attention and listen to the person you will hear subtle cues. This isn’t being sneaky; this is just finding out about somebody and what they like.

If the person accepts your offer to meet for a date, you can suggest meeting for coffee or ask where they would like to go. If they say, “How about we meet at The Blue Sombrero? They make REALLY good Margaritas,” you can safely presume they’re a drinker. Or you can also suggest a place. “Do you want to go somewhere with an extensive wine list? I don’t really drink, so it’s no big deal to me.” Again, this isn’t sneaky and devious manipulation. You’re trying to discover about the other person. Your goal is to be with someone who isn’t a problem drinker. Asking questions is far more tactful than coming right out and saying, “I’m a recovering alcoholic and I don’t want to be around people who drink.” You don’t want to sound like a temperance nutcase right off the bat.

Once you’re on that date, remember it’s not an AA meeting where you unload all your history and past wreckage and talk about how weak and flawed you are. Keep that shit to yourself. Imagine what the other person would think if you sat down at the table and said, “Hi, my name is Janet, I’m an alcoholic and I’m really glad to be here.” If the two of you have more dates in the future there will be plenty of opportunity to reveal your history.

What if you go out on a date and the other person does drink? YOU don’t have to drink just because they do. You may decide you don’t want to see them again, and because you don’t drink, they may not want to see you. That’s okay – it’s just a date. And just because a person accepts your invitation to go on a date doesn’t mean you’ll find one another interesting. That’s okay.

Once you do start dating someone, sobriety shouldn’t be all you talk about. (That’s why I suggest against using AA as a place to meet sober dates.) There’s a whole world of fun and excitement out there to be lived and enjoyed. There is more to life than the program, discussions of wreckage and constantly reliving your drinking past. Isn’t the idea behind sobriety to live a normal, fun life?

Dating a daily drinker probably won’t be good for your sobriety because their social activities, entertainment and recreation will be all about drinking and going to bars. If the person is a legitimate social drinker, and you’ve spent some time together, you may wish to ask that they refrain from drinking. But don’t begrudge them or belittle them if they do feel like having a drink. Your sobriety is YOUR issue – not theirs. As long as you’re comfortable with your date drinking and you’re confident with your own resolve, then go for it. Why rob yourself of what might possibly be a fabulous relationship just because the other person drinks once in a while?

In summary:

• Don’t expect, demand or believe that a mate will keep you sober – you have to keep yourself sober
• There are a zillion ways and places to meet a sober mate, look beyond AA
• Ask questions, learn about the other person
• Ask for a date, risk rejection
• Risk making a mistake
• The first sober person you meet isn’t necessarily your perfect match
• Protect your own sobriety – you’re better to be alone than in danger of relapse
• Act normal, be normal, don’t always talk about sobriety
• Let someone enjoy you and you might find that you will learn to enjoy your sobriety and maybe even forget all about the negative stigma of being a recovered alcoholic.

All of this is purely my own opinion based on my experiences and culled from talking with others. Try what you feel comfortable trying and discover what works best for you. It is possible to be part of a group or movement and still be an individual within that group.

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That’s an odd question for me to ask, isn’t it? I know for fact that it’s gotten me drunk most of the time. I’m sure that it got me laid a lot too; however I’m also sure that I wasn’t at my peak performance abilities when those instances of getting laid while drunk occurred. I’ll admit that I had a lot of fun while I was drunk. I did a lot of wild things when I was drunk. I laughed a lot while I was drunk. I can recall most of the experiences but I just can’t seem to completely remember or appreciate all the experiences.

So for the most part, all alcohol ever did for me was get me drunk – all the other shit I did while I was drunk (the good and the bad), was my own doing and the bad stuff was completely my own fault. Alcohol influenced my thinking and behavior, making it a mitigating factor, but I was still the person doing and participating in whatever I did. Alcohol is not to blame, I am to blame.

So drinking alcohol never did anything productive for me or gave me anything, but not drinking has given me a lot. And now that I don’t drink, alcohol itself actually does give me a lot. How is that? I own stock in beer and alcohol companies – so alcohol pays ME dividends. Yup, every three months I get a check for other people drinking. The more people drink, the more profit the alcohol companies make, the higher my dividends. So alcohol pays me back – but that’s providing I don’t drink it.

Is that evil on my part? I don’t think so. I’m not anti-alcohol and I’m not against people drinking or getting drunk. My goal is NOT to talk people into following my way of life. My goals are:

1. Keep myself sober
2. Make my life the best that I can
3. Share what I have learned about sobriety with those who are interested
4. Earn a living by offering people something that is of value to THEM

I don’t hide from the fact that alcohol and drinking is a major part of our economy, our families and our society. I will not hide from society and isolate myself in a closed group. I want to participate and enjoy all social functions, go wherever I want and hang out wherever I want. I will not be governed by what a sponsor wants me to do or tells me where I can go. I will not relinquish my own decision making over to some organization. I will make my own choices and I will be responsible for my choices.

Making my own decisions requires me to think. I must pay attention to my own thoughts and feelings. I must pay attention to what environments I put myself in and what type of people I hang out with. Sometimes this means that I must forego certain people, places and events. But it’s not that big of a deal because most of the things that I forego wouldn’t be good for me anyway. Making good decisions – for myself – builds my pride and my self-esteem, which is then positive reinforcement towards continuing to live sober.

So back to the original question: What has alcohol ever done for YOU? Has it ever gotten you a job? Has it increased or improved your education? Has it earned you more money? Has it gotten you out of trouble? Maybe it got you INTO trouble? Maybe it helped you get pregnant when you weren’t planning on it? Maybe it helped you hook up with someone that was your perfect soul mate? (right…) Alcohol doesn’t actually do these things; it only assists YOU in doing them yourself.

But who knows? Maybe drinking has done some wonderful things for you? I know that I wouldn’t be where I am today had it not been for what I did yesterday. I currently I have over 6-1/2 years of sober yesterdays. And for you, maybe you’ll be in a better place tomorrow because you decided to live sober today.

If drinking alcohol hasn’t ever done anything good for you, try living sober for 30 days. What’s the worst that can happen? If you don’t like it, you can always go back to drinking and get more of the same results alcohol has given you in the past. The CHOICE is yours.

Audio version of this blog article

6-1/2 years sober is a long time. Sobriety is so normal now and my life is so different now that I sometimes think to myself, “I’m doing pretty well. I’m more sane and stable. I’m not that bad of a person. How did things get so fucked up?” Well they did get fucked up – the past still exists. I can’t change those events.

The distance between where I am now and where I was 10 years ago makes my drinking seem like it wasn’t that much of a problem. But evidently it was a problem or I wouldn’t have had to have gone through all the wreckage that I did. And I must still deal with that wreckage today, which is the result of my behavior from well over 10 years ago. Shit doesn’t just go away because you get sober.

The time distance between sobriety and destructive drinking can cloud my memory. I know I have the wreckage and the factual consequences, but I often forget (because of my current sobriety), that my abusive drinking was the cause. So now I must pay even closer attention to my sobriety and make sure that I don’t foolishly allow myself to fall back.

I don’t want to constantly relive the past, but if I forget about it I may talk myself into slipping. (Actually, I won’t allow myself to slip; I’ve made the commitment to abstain from alcohol.) However, it’s the mental temptation to drink that haunts me because the errors seem so distant and the agony of sobering up is rapidly forgotten.

So this means I have to make NEW memories and create a better recent past – events, results and behaviors that reinforce my decision to live sober. But I don’t want to mix all the memories together because that’s how the bad memories and factual events of the past get muddled, which then gets me thinking, “I wasn’t all that bad. Drinking wasn’t really that big of a problem.” The mind is very sneaky, even for a sober person.

So what did I do? I had to create a new folder in my mind where I can store my sober life memories. In essence, I’ve had to spend the time to “defrag” my brain, arrange and rearrange folders, then delete some unused files. I’ve deleted certain events and people who are of no use to my future life or my sobriety. But I haven’t deleted everything – certain factual events shouldn’t be deleted – that would be hiding from my past and lying to myself about my culpability. This a very difficult thing to pull off, because I don’t want to keep berating myself for what I did while I was drinking, but I don’t want to forget that my excessive drinking was the catalyst to many of my problems.

For instance, if I recall a fun event when I was drunk, I also attempt to recall if anything bad happened during that event. Not all of my drinking memories are bad events. I had a lot of fun. I openly admit that I liked getting drunk, but I don’t want to spend mental energy romanticizing about drinking. I can however romanticize about the memory of an event. This is a delicate mental separation process – reminiscing about good times with good people – while simultaneously keeping the temptation to revisit those good times and good people by drink again. Temptation must be kept at bay and this is accomplished by remembering what I have done (the bad while I was drunk and the good while I’ve been sober).

Sobriety is far different than I imagined. Some things are better than I ever thought they would be, some are more problematic. The physical urges to drink are gone, many of the painful feelings have subsided, but I still have those fleeting thoughts of, “I wish I could just have one.”

Yup,,, 6-1/2 years sober and the past is still here. But at least I’m sober today and I’ll be sober tomorrow and that’s what will create a new sober past for me.

Audio version of this blog article

That’s a crazy question for me to ask, isn’t it? Most program people, addiction counselors and therapists would wholeheartedly say “Yes,” sobriety will be the greatest thing for you. It might be, but it will be different. Are you ready for that?

Living sober will not automatically bring you all the things you want in life. It won’t eliminate all of life’s problems. Without hesitation I will say that a lot of things will improve, however some will get worse. Don’t expect your family, your ex, your partner or your kids to come running back to you the day after you quit drinking. But who knows? They might eventually. You can expect to lose some friends when you stop drinking. Your best drinking buddy or the party girls probably won’t want to hang out with you, and you probably won’t want to hang out with them. You might even find yourself going in a different direction than your partner if you were both drinkers. Are you ready for that?

You will feel frustrated when you come to the clear and sober realization that you do have certain limitations (physical, mental, financial). You will be angered when you realize all of the time, money and energy you wasted on getting wasted. You will come to see that there is more that you don’t know than how much you do know. You will be disturbed by your past. You may become irritated with those who won’t forgive you and welcome you back. You may become angry towards alcohol and others who still drink. Are you ready for that?

You will have to go to all the Holiday parties, celebrations, events, picnics, BBQ’s, concerts and sporting events and stay sober. There will be good times and bad, you will have to deal with them sober. Every day life will show up and you will have to face it sober. Are you ready for that?

You will be bored at times, wondering what to do at the moment and then wondering what to do with your life. You will have to spend time discovering what you find interesting and entertaining in life. You will experience emotions in an entirely new way and even some emotions you have never felt before. Are you ready for this?

I’m not trying to talk you out of quitting; I’m just laying bare some conditions you can expect.

On the upside, there are many good things that can and will come about by living sober – but you’ll have to work at it and make the best out of sobriety. Here are a few of the good things that will occur when you eliminate destructive drinking.

• You’ll find that you have money for other things in life. But you’ll have to decide what those other things are. You can’t expect that more money will make you happy, but you will find that not wasting all your money on getting wasted is a comfortable feeling. But don’t worry, you’ll still have other money problems to deal with.
• You’ll feel better physically and look better physically. No more hangovers and being rundown the next day after a night of drinking. But you’ll still catch colds, feel like shit some days and get depressed. However you will be in a better physical and mental position to recover from these inconveniences.
• You will most likely lose weight (the beer belly or wine pouch), but that’s providing you don’t replace booze with eating and comfort foods. You will have to eat healthy foods in the proper proportions and make sure that you perform some type of physical activities or exercise routine.By the way, extended overuse of alcohol isn’t as forgiving on women as it is on men. Sorry, but men can get away with a beer belly and a rough face. I’m sure most women don’t want a beer belly or wine pouch. Don’t you want to look good? Don’t you want to look appealing? That’s not being superficial, that’s self-respect and self-preservation.
• You will encounter new friends, all of them may not be as exciting (or what you think is exciting), as your old drinking buddies. Some of your relationships and friendships will become deeper and stronger.
• Drama and drunken bullshit will disappear but you may not notice it. It’s easier to see “present drama” than it is to notice the lack of drama.
• Your luck will improve. Not that you’ll win the lottery or tear up the craps table, but instances of bad luck will become fewer and far between because you won’t be putting yourself in dangerous and risky situations as often. You will be in a better position to take on calculated risk. By living sober, you will be in a better position to recognize and capitalize on opportunities.

All of these good things won’t automatically happen by default. You will have to work at bringing good things to the surface.

So is sobriety worth it? For me it is. It hasn’t been some fairytale, happy story – it sucks at times. But the good has outweighed the bad, so I choose to continue to live sober.

So is sobriety worth it? That’s up to you to decide and it will be up to you to make the best out of it. If you’re going to undertake this, make sobriety pay you back. Make it worth it.

Audio version of this blog article

Is it worth trying to drink in moderation? It fails for most of us former drunks. If you stopped drinking because getting drunk was causing problems, going back to moderation isn’t going to work. Think about it – you probably tried moderation in the past – I know I did. A lot of times I had no intention of getting all wasted, but alcohol changes how you think and the best plans get all fucked up when you add booze to them. Alcohol does exactly what it’s supposed to do, alter your thinking.

I recently hung out with a good friend of mine who is a legitimate social drinker, he can quit after two beers – if he chooses to do so. But even HE got drunk the night we hung out. Why? Because he didn’t choose to stop after two. Suddenly he had three, then four, then who knows how many? I wasn’t keeping track. But once he got past the point of rational thinking (because he was drunk), he just kept pounding beer. Within a couple of hours he was hammered, talking stupid (more stupid than he usually does), and behaving like a fool (more foolish than he normally does). I wasn’t mad at him (I know what alcohol does), but I wasn’t enjoying his company. His wife certainly didn’t enjoy his company either – they had words. She’s wasn’t mad at me; she’s smart enough to know that it isn’t my responsibility to watch how much he drinks, it’s HIS responsibility. His getting drunk made for an uncomfortable evening for all of us.

He didn’t do or say anything that he needed to apologize for, but he felt like shit the next day. He said, “I gotta pay more attention to when I need to stop. I can see how drinking gets carried away. I won’t do that next time we hang out.” He understood that we could have had more fun had he not gotten drunk. He understood that he couldn’t get that night back, but he can make future get-togethers more meaningful.

I’m not saying that you can never go back, I don’t know you, you might be able to make it work. But is it worth the risk to possibly fall back into unhealthy patterns? If you liked getting drunk (I know I did), what’s the point of having one or two drinks? Sure you’ll cop a little buzz, but then you’ll want more of a buzz and more of a buzz, then the next thing you know, you’re all fucked up. Then you feel shitty about yourself and the only way to (temporarily) mask the shitty feeling is to drink again, and suddenly you’re right back where you left off.

Here’s another example. Let’s say you’ve been sober for 90 days or six months and you want to reward yourself with a night of boozing. Is it worth it? Is it worth possibly having something bad happen? Is it worth the risk of falling back into a habit you worked so hard to shed? Is it worth the risk of disappointing yourself or disappointing those who have supported and trusted you? Why would they trust you again? You’ve worked too hard – don’t let them down, don’t let yourself down.

I’m honored to have spoken with thousands (yes, thousands) of people about this. I could share stories, more examples and emails from people talking about how quickly they fell back into their old habits and how difficult it was for them to stop the second, third or fourth time around. You could go to meetings or visit some online sobriety chat rooms and you’ll hear the same stories as well. We hardcore drinkers just can’t go back to being something we never were.

Learn however you must. Take the risk if you must. But remember that there are always consequences to every action and inaction. If you attempt to go back and drink in moderation; you might fall back into an old habit. If you do nothing and don’t drink; you might find yourself doing something productive and constructive instead. All consequences are not bad.

If you’ve gone through the effort to eliminate self-destructive drinking from your life, but you’re tempted to dabble with moderation, ask yourself: “What’s the point in having one or two drinks? What am I trying to accomplish or get out of it? Is my sobriety worth risking? Is it worth it?”

For some of us, complete abstinence is the ONLY path. I’m sorry if it doesn’t seem fair. It’s not fair that a diabetic can’t sit down and eat an entire Bunt Cake without having ill effects; it’s not fair that someone with a nut allergy can’t eat a plate of Cashew Chicken. Sorry, but life isn’t always fair. So before you drink, ask yourself: “Is it worth it? Will drinking improve my life?” I’m sure you know the answer to that question.

Audio version of this blog article

Most people believe that emotions such as joy, love and happiness are good – but emotions like anger, frustration or boredom are bad. However these are ALL normal emotions and each of them can be directed towards productive purposes. When you become too emotional (up or down), you can’t think straight. We drunks like to temper or numb those emotional extremes by drinking.

Emotions are mental “thoughts” that you feel and then act or react to. Key point here: “thoughts.” They feel real and they ARE real, but they are still just thoughts – things you are thinking about and perceiving in your mind. Those thoughts can then turn into physical pains and harmful behaviors.

Emotions are generated (created) within specific areas of the brain: the amygdala, hippocampus, anterior cingulated cortex (there are a lot of parts in your brain). Chemical changes take place within the brain during emotional states. There are chemicals like norepinephrine (which keeps you alert), there is serotonin (which makes you feel good), and cortisol (which will crank up your anxiety). These various chemicals are released during stages of thinking. If you’re all nervous and anxious, you’ll create and release cortisol which will make you more nervous and anxious. When you’re calm, relaxed and enjoying something pleasant, you release a bit of serotonin, making you feel even better.

This all happens so rapidly and in minute amounts that you don’t notice it taking place. Whatever your mood is seems natural to you – and it is natural – because your brain (the organ) is responding to what you’re thinking at the moment and it gives you the chemicals you need to feel the way you feel.

By the way, I’m not making this shit up. If you don’t believe me then do your own research and look this all up in medical and neuroscience books.

What does all this have to do with sobriety? I’m sure that I don’t have to explain that alcohol changes how some of these areas of the brain function, which is why people become irrationally emotional when drinking. After prolonged use of alcohol, these parts of the brain become accustomed to functioning with booze. Take away the booze and these parts of the brain don’t function very well. But it’s a short healing time for them to get used to functioning in sober clarity again.

When you hide from your emotions you’re not “tuned-in” to what you need at the moment. Now let me clarify that there’s a difference between being emotionally out of control and being tuned-in to your emotions. If you feel angry, that doesn’t mean you explode with an outburst of hate and insults. Slow down, think why you’re angry. Feel the anger but then address whatever it is that you’re angry with or at. Let me give a couple examples of emotions:

Anger: You can use anger to drive you along. You don’t take your anger out on someone else by hurting or harming them; you get angry at yourself and push yourself harder to live up to your standards. Another way to use anger is through proving others wrong. Has anyone ever said, “You’re no good, you’re worthless, you’ll never do it, you have no talent, you can’t stick to it, etc.?” Prove to that person that they are wrong about you. Prove to them that you CAN do it, you ARE talented and that you WILL stick to it. You don’t have to go out of your way to show them; they’ll find out.

I stay sober to prove to people that I can. Is that immature? Who cares? I’m sober and I’m not hurting anyone by staying sober. I will not give anyone who ever said I was worthless, weak or couldn’t stay sober the pleasure of seeing me fail. My anger releases adrenalin which I then turn into positively productive energy.

Risk: This encompasses the emotions of fear and over-enthusiasm. Fear and excitement are very similar with regard to the chemicals released and areas of the brain engaged. Fear itself and the fear of failure hold you back from many things in life. When you continue to think about your fear, the anxiety chemical cortisol is released and you become more fearful for no valid reason – other than higher levels of cortisol are present in your brain. You then fear taking on even a calculated risk, which then guarantees you no chance of success because you’ve taken on no risk.

The same can take place with over-enthusiasm and excitement. You’re so filled with adrenalin that you don’t think in rational terms and forge ahead with foolish behavior or disregard for outcomes. You end up throwing caution to the wind and blindly take on irrational risk.

I like to completely feel the sensation of fear. I let it rush through my body and then let it fade away so I can think clearly. I then undertake calculated risks and let my brain’s natural chemicals give me a fear or an enthusiasm rush.

I’m over 6-1/2 years sober and I experience anger, happiness, frustration, depression, all that shit. Sometimes my emotions get the better of me. When that happens I need to follow my own advice. I STOP and do nothing. I think about what emotion I’m feeling. I try to discover the cause of the emotion and whether it’s a valid emotion. I need to stabilize my emotions. I’m not hiding from them; I just don’t want them to lead me into an action or reaction that may be harmful to me or to someone else. Then, by releasing my emotions (through the proper means), I can get over it. And what are those proper means? It all depends on the emotion I’m experiencing.

If I’m bored I will work on some small project that needs to be done. This will engage my mind into paying attention to whatever I’m doing, even if it’s simply washing my dishes.

If I’m excited I will work on something constructive or go exercise.

If I’m mad about something I will typically call a trusted friend and ask if I can vent. Getting the anger off my chest releases it and I’m usually relaxed afterwards.

There are many more emotions and multiple ways to deal with them. You CAN change how you feel, based upon how and what you think about. Think about bad shit, your brain will give you bad feeling chemicals. Think about good stuff, your brain will give you feel-good chemicals. However, when you’re drunk, your brain isn’t sure of how much or when to release these chemicals, hence the wild mood swings or unexpected moods while drunk. When you undertake sobriety, emotions will be a new experience.

Emotions exist, so don’t hide from them and don’t let them get the best of you. Emotions are a result of how you think about conditions that exist. Learn to give yourself more of the emotional chemicals you want by slowing down and letting those chemicals do what they’re supposed to do. Learn as much as you can about your emotions, harness them and make them work for YOU.

Audio version of this blog article

The decision to live sober can be a onetime event, but actually living sober is an ongoing process, it’s a continuous change in your way of life. Sorry, but you can’t hurry or rush sobriety along – you can’t just download the app and be done with it. Sobriety takes time. Oh sure, you can stay sober for a weekend, a week or a month. But if excessive drinking has become a habit in your life it will take time for sobriety to become a habit, and it will take time to start reaping the rewards of your effort.

Here’s an important thing to remember: Just because YOU decided to live sober, the world is not going to turn around and give you everything you want. A lot of things in life will improve, but not everything. Everything you have lost will not be regained, everything you want will not be acquired and everyone you know isn’t going to be thrilled about your newfound lifestyle. Sobriety doesn’t guarantee shit, other than that you’re sober.

I bring this up right now because I don’t want you to be under the belief or the impression that simply by living sober for 1 day, 10 days or 30 days – that everything is going to fall into place and life will be perfect. But what do I know? Maybe it will go that way for you? But for most of us, life will still happen, we just have to face it sober.

I could hardly wait to say “I’m 30 days sober.” But no matter how much I rushed it along, no matter how fast I wanted it to go, it still took 30 days. And once I hit 30 days did I experience some great reward or fabulous sensation? NO – it was just another day. Yes, it was a benchmark anniversary, but it was just another day. That’s all that sobriety is for me, just another day of life filled with everyday ups and downs and filled with everyday events, but I deal with them sober.

With that said, I feel that it is worth celebrating benchmark dates, to reflect, be proud and reinforce your resolve. And benchmarks and anniversary dates are where a reward system comes in. Drinking is immediate gratification: You drink and you catch a buzz. Sobriety is delayed gratification: You stay sober for 30, 60 or 90 days and you reward yourself. The reward doesn’t have to be all about YOU (even though it really is). As a reward you can invite someone special out to dinner, take your kids to a movie or some other event. Do something nice for your partner. The idea is to reward YOURSELF and anyone else you feel like rewarding. I mean, why go through all the effort of self-control to not drink or do drugs, to not spend your money on booze and drugs, and then not reward yourself?

And how is it that you can afford these rewards? That strategy is explained in my books. (What? I’m supposed to give all my ideas away for free? I gotta earn a living too you know.) My books are:

Living Sober Sucks (but living drunk sucks more)
Okay, I quit. Now what?

Both are available at Barnes & Noble, Amazon.com, Kindle, Nook, iBooks, iTunes and through my website.

So, back to sobriety taking time. It might take six months to a full year before you begin to notice the difference and the benefits to living sober. You might be thinking, “A year? Holy fuck,,, I don’t wanna wait that long.” Well too bad. Sobriety takes time. Sobriety is like saving for retirement. You save your money today so that you can use it in the future. If you save it today and use it tomorrow you won’t have shit for your retirement. And just like saving for retirement, if you do it right, plan ahead and sacrifice a little now, you might be able to retire early and live quite comfortably. And just like saving for retirement, you still have to live day to day and you still reward yourself occasionally with a vacation, a dinner out, a movie or whatever you find as rewarding.

I hear from a lot of former drunks who tell me stories about how they’ve been sober for six months or a year when suddenly some fantastic and amazing things happened. They’ve been recognized at work and they’ve gotten promotions, they’ve excelled in school, they’ve lost all the weight they wanted to, or they were shocked by someone else’s behavior. And shocked in a good way. “My kids want to hang out with me,” or “Suddenly my boyfriend said,,,” or “I couldn’t believe it when my wife said…” And what that person said was something complementary, encouraging or completely unexpected like, “I’m not going to drink when we go out tonight. I really want to enjoy my time with YOU.” It seems like these statements come out of the blue, but in reality your friends, family, kids, partner or coworkers are noticing changes, but those changes took time.

I wish I could tell you that within 10 days of living sober everything will work out perfect. I can’t guarantee that and I won’t give you those false hopes. And if you’re a grumpy, depressing, miserable fuck, people aren’t going to want to hang around you just because you’re sober. So along with changing your drinking habits you may want to change some of your interpersonal habits and behaviors. But you don’t have to do that to stay sober – you can be a sober asshole all you want. You just don’t drink, that’s how you stay sober.

Please don’t be deflated when I say it will take time to reap the rewards of sobriety, some great things may happen for you sooner than you expect. And while I also say, “Sobriety doesn’t guarantee shit,” I do know that your chances of a better life are greatly improved when you live sober than when you live drunk.

If you’re going to go without drinking and live sober, try it for at least 30 days. Yes, you will have to do it “one day at a time” to eventually reach 30 days, but some fantastic things may happen for you within your first 30 days. It might work out good for you, and then you go another 30 days. So why not try it for 30 days. What’s the worst that can happen? If you don’t like it you can always go back to being a drunk. The choice is yours.

Audio version of this blog article

Drunks live at the mercy of luck – I know I did. It might be the Shake of the day, getting home without being arrested, doing something without being caught, not having your spouse notice that you’re all fucked up again or simply getting laid by another drunk at the bar. That can also mean you hope you have more good luck and don’t get an STD or become/ get someone pregnant. Drinkers rely on good luck to help us get through life and we’re more than happy to issue blame on bad luck when things go wrong.

Luck has a long history behind it. Greek goddesses and Roman goddesses; Fortuna, Necessitas and Tychê. Notice that they’re all females? Hence the term “Lady Luck.” Philosophers and theologians have debated for just as long about the influence of luck, chance, destiny and determinism. I’ll leave the religious debate up to you. I want to share what I have come to understand about luck and the role it plays in the life of drunks and former drunks.

Luck is a factor which influences what happens to us in life.

I believe that luck, fortune and chance are all different events or conditions. You cannot control fortune (what ethnicity you were born, where you were born, what time in history you were born or your inherent attributes), but I believe that you can control a limited amount of your luck, and you can certainly control many aspects of chance.

I’m going to give an example of how I use the words: fortune, luck and chance.

Michael Jordan was fortunate to be born with his amazing athletic talents, but he was lucky to be born when he was. Had he been born 50 years earlier (even 20 years earlier), he may never have been recognized as an amazing athlete. So he wasn’t GIVEN good luck. He worked at honing his skills, he practiced and he played. He took chances and by risking failure he was lucky to be recognized for the talent that he is. But he didn’t stop there. He continued to utilize opportunities and he continued to hone his natural talents. He created his chances of good luck coming his way. Fortune gave him talent, his own effort along with taking chances created the opportunity to be the recipient of good luck.

So how does all this luck play into sobriety?

Almost any drinker who is in the middle of problems and hard times will point the causational finger at bad luck. I did it all the time when I was drinking. It was my way of telling myself and others, “I had nothing to do with this. Bad luck has singled me out because the universe hates me.” I never wanted to accept that my bad luck was usually a result of my behavior while I was drunk. So I blamed my failures on bad luck.

That’s similar to when people say, “It was bad luck that I got arrested for drunk driving.” Being arrested for drunk driving is an unfortunate event for YOU, but it isn’t a case of bad luck. You had control of the situation. You could have let someone else drive, walked home, taken a cab or not have drank in the first place. And maybe, just maybe it was good luck? Maybe you got pulled over one block before you accidentally would have hit and killed someone on a motorcycle? You don’t know. And consider how lucky you were all the other times you drove drunk and never got arrested.

Your chances of living a better life are improved when you eliminate the downside that excessive drinking brings. Your chances of good luck are improved when you take action and put forth effort to be happy. Luck can only happen when you take risks. There are so many elements, factors and outside influences to luck. So much takes place that we never see or hear.

Nestled deep within bad luck is always (yes, always) some good luck and vice versa. It all comes down to what you as an individual will turn it into. This has led me to an understanding that good luck is often disguised as disappointment or bad luck. The outcome of luck is not seen until the entire event has played out.

I’m going to use my own life to give examples. I feel very lucky in life. I was especially lucky as a drunk; I avoided or was spared many bad things occurring. Most (if not all) of the bad things that happened in my life were directly related to my behavior while I was drunk.(Notice that I don’t blame the alcohol – I blame myself for my own behavior – I knew that I was getting drunk.) On the other side, most (if not all) of the good luck I have encountered is a result of my sober behavior.

It takes time (sometimes years), to see whether an event was good luck or bad luck. Not until all aspects of an event have played out are we able to “look back” and determine if it was good luck or bad luck. I firmly believe that even bad luck can be turned into good luck, or at least minimized, if you accept the cold realities and decide to do something about it. I’ll use my own life again as an example. I am hurt and pained at the way some things worked out since (and because), I quit drinking. Initially when I quit I felt as if my luck had turned for the worse. I could hardly believe the bad shit that came crashing in on me: The ending of my marriage, the loss of friends, the loss of dreams, the loss of financial stability, the loss of happiness. At the time I never thought I would say this next part: “I can see that it has been good luck that certain events transpired the way that they have, no matter how much they have hurt me, it has been good luck for me to become sober. ” I can say this is only because I did what I just mentioned, I accepted the cold realities of the situations and cognitively worked at making the best out of the realities.

The best laid plans can and sometimes do go awry. You don’t know if something was good luck until everything has had time to pan out. For example, I can attempt to predict how you might answer a question (such as a marriage proposal), but I don’t know for fact how you will answer. Will I be lucky if you say “Yes”? Or would I have been luckier had you said “No”? I won’t know your answer until I ask and I won’t know if I was lucky for another 10 years. I was hoping that you will say “Yes” but I might have been luckier had you said “No.”

There is no balance sheet with luck. Two occurrences of bad luck doesn’t mean that you will have two future occurrences of good luck. Just because you make plans, study hard, work hard and behave appropriately doesn’t mean you are guaranteed good luck at a certain endeavor. But doing all the right things improves your chances of being the recipient of good luck.

Luck is an equalizer in many ways. You can be uneducated, overweight with bucked teeth and your chances of winning the lottery are just the same as a person who has money, beautiful teeth and an attractive body. Luck doesn’t take YOU into account personally, but luck can affect you personally.

Even if you are a believer in determinism – meaning that you believe God has everything planned out – I ask you to consider this: Just as God has given us a free will, maybe God has authorized luck to play a role in our human affairs? Maybe God allows for a little random happenstance to take place in your life? Your God may be giving you opportunities (both good and bad), and watching to see what you’ll do with them?

Both good luck and bad luck are not personal. While you may feel the results personally, neither happens as a conspiracy. But both are often a result of personal behavior. If you hang out in dangerous environments and exhibit unhealthy and dangerous behavior, your chances of bad luck are increased. And the same will occur with good luck. Make fruitful efforts and behave constructively, good luck has a better chance of occurring in your life.

No individual is deserving of good or bad luck either. Good things happen to bad people and bad things happen to good people – that’s just luck. Bad things can happen as a result of bad behavior and good things can be the result of constructive behavior. Many times, what we consider as “luck” is the result of our own actions.

Here are some ideas on how to make the best out of good luck and bad luck:

• Improve your chances of good luck coming your way by putting forth healthy and calculated effort
• Avoid bad luck (unfortunate events), by avoiding a self-destructive lifestyle
• You are not better than any other person when good luck comes your way
• You are not an awful person when bad luck comes your way
• Don’t take bad luck personally, instead take the events as just part of your life
• When you view an event as “luck,” consider if you had any involvement in the “luck” occurring

If drinking seems to always bring you nothing but problems and bad luck, then change your luck by eliminating one of the influencing factors; eliminate unhealthy drinking habits. Then improve your chances of being the recipient of more good luck by having plans and being productive towards reaching goals. Make the best out of events. Understand that “luck” is not personal.

I cannot teach you how to embrace luck. You must experience it for yourself and come to understand it for yourself. I wish YOU the best of luck at whatever you put effort into.