Living Sober Sucks (but living drunk sucks more) By: Mark A. Tuschel   

I sobered up for what?

That's the question I ask myself every day. This is not a, "Wah, wah, oh poor me" story. There is a positive and hopefully inspiring aspect to this article. I am just sharing the way it is.

I quit drinking for what? I still lost my wife, the dreams I had for our future, my retirement, my health insurance and my house. I am often lonely, sad, even bored out of my fucking skull at times. I have been sober for four years and I still continue to squander great opportunities and promising relationships - but that's just life. Yup, living sober sucks - but I realize that drinking and getting drunk won't bring these things back, bring great things into my life or make things better.

So here's the answer the question of, "I sobered up for what?":

My chances of rebuilding my life are far better now as a sober person than if I were drunk. My chances of enjoying a drama free life, calm existence, loving relationships and financial success are much better sober than if I was trying to do this drunk.

I have no idea what tomorrow will bring, but at least I'll be ready for it - because I'm sober.

Everything doesn’t always work out for the best, but I can make the best of how things work out. I couldn’t do that if I was still drunk. That is what I sobered up for.

The same applies to you. You’re chances of living a rewarding life are far better sober than drunk.

Find your own damn keys!

This was said to me once (okay, more than once in my life). This statement really stood out to me. It helped me understand how this is what living sober is like. Here’s how I parallel “find your own damn keys” to sobriety:

If someone else keeps finding your keys for you, you’ll never look for them yourself. You’ll always depend on someone else to pull your titty out of the wringer (And having your titty in a wringer hurts!).

Being a drunk is similar to this. You make mistakes, screw things up, argue, get in trouble, whatever, and you consciously, or unconsciously, expect someone else to bail you out. If you are continually bailed out, you won’t ever look for your own keys.

You need to find your own damn keys. This does not mean that I won’t help you. Yes, I will help you look for them; I will ask questions, offer ideas on where to look (like in my book). But you won’t feel responsible for them until you find them yourself. Then, if or when you do find them, maybe you will be more careful with your keys in the future.

That’s what finding sobriety is like. I CANNOT do this for you; I can help, but you will have to do this yourself. Once you find your own keys to sobriety, stick with them. Realize that only you can find them, and only you can lose them again.

Knowing where your keys are may not be that exciting, but it is a very comforting feeling.

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4 Year sobriety reflection:

I did nothing special to celebrate my 4 year sobriety anniversary – I just worked. It started off like any other day – it sucked – then it got worse. It was cold, cloudy and nothing was going right for me during the day. But that had NOTHING to do with being sober. I wouldn’t have been able to handle the problems of the day had I been drinking.

As the day wore on, I became more and more depressed. I thought that this was supposed to be a happy day? While I cognitively knew that none of this shit had anything to do with being sober, I was still sad. I was sad because I missed my old friends; Beer, Scotch, Vodka and Gin. I was sad because I am still single – I keep fuckin’ up promising relationships. Not because I’m a complete jerk (well, maybe I am) – but because I work too much and I don’t want to date or marry a drinker.

As evening approached I consciously started reflecting on all the good things that have transpired since I sobered up. Then more shit hit the fan – but I handled it – I actually enjoyed the problems as a challenge. Around 2:00a.m. (I was still working) I had a breakthrough with one of the problems of the day. It was uplifting – that happy and excited feeling came over me. I read for a little while before going to bed. It was just another day, but I was still sober.

So what have I done over the past year of sobriety? Have I made any progress, any improvements? YES - Over the past year I have befriended many more people through my website. I am honored to have them as part of my life and that I have become part of theirs. I finished writing my book; Living Sober Sucks. I started fostering dogs for my local Animal Rescue. There are far fewer complicated relationships in my life – I have gravitated further away from drinkers and have gravitated closer to sober and constructive people. I haven’t spent one penny on alcohol for myself – I’ve bought wine, beer and drinks for friends and dates. I am enjoying my yard and my house more. I read a lot of books and furthered my knowledge. I cooked a lot of good food. I have stuck to my exercise schedule. I helped a lot of friends with their home maintenance and chores. I travelled and developed my business further. I did a lot of fun and exciting things. None of this would have happened had I not been sober.

Was it worth the battles with temptation, the occasional boredom, the sadness, the emptiness of not having my good friend alcohol, the struggle of keeping my mouth shut when I wanted to say something sarcastic or wanted to point out other’s drinking problem? Has it been worth it? Fuck ya it was worth it! Some days still suck, but that’s life. I look forward to my next year of sobriety – I firmly believe that it’s only going to get better from here.

I wish you success and a drama free life – Mark.

Holy Shit!!! I'm still sober!

3 Years Sober / Reflections:

Here I am celebrating 3 years sober. I went out to dinner on my anniversary date with a very sweet friend. She asked me an interesting question: “So what‘s it like to be sober for 3 years?” I sat quietly and pondered. Here was my answer: “It‘s nothing like I expected.”

I thought that sobriety would bring joy, happiness and love into my life. I thought that sobriety would fix all of my problems and make the world tip in my favor. Holy shit was I wrong! Before I continue, allow me to at least say that regardless of the struggles, the pain and the emptiness, I am so very glad that I decided to live sober and stay sober.

As I try to objectively view the past 3 years, I realized that my pain doesn’t just stem from not drinking. I went through a very painful divorce, my dad died (while holding my hand), I went through financial collapse, recovery, collapse and recovery again (but now I'm back to collapse). I had been thrust back into the dating scene after 24 years with the same woman. I have met a few nice women, some freaks, some drunks, some pathetic bimbos and one very wonderful woman. What this all tells me is that life still happens, whether you’re sober or not. Sobriety has allowed me to handle adversity.

Reflecting on 3 years, I find that it is more boring than I thought it would be. I am far lonelier than I expected. I feel as if I have lost the ability to experience certain emotions (euphoria, love, the ability to cry). These feelings may be due to the earlier mentioned events. I want no compassion, no sympathy. I am simply sharing my thoughts with you.

On the positive side, I feel strong. I like being in control of myself. I like the intelligent conversations I have with friends. The relationships that I have with people are deeper and more rewarding. I accomplish more and I can relax more during recreational time. (Read my full 3-Year review)

Ultimately I am glad that I am living sober. But I won’t lie to you, it still remains a struggle, even after 3 years.

Yup,,,  3 years sober, without a single relapse and the best I can say is “this is fucked up”. It would be nice to have a drink or two, but that would be my downfall. I CAN’T have even one drink,,,, ever again. I accept and embrace that reality, so now it’s up to me to make the best out of my sober life.

Is Living Sober a

punishment? 

Sobriety is not a punishment even though it may seem like it is, especially when we see others drinking socially. I ask myself all the time "How come I can't have a couple of drinks?" Here's the reason: Because you're an alcoholic ya' stupid fucker and it wouldn't be good for you, so you can't! No, I am not being punished because I can't drink. 

How do you think people that can’t eat peanuts feel? Are they being punished by their Higher Power? What about the guy that can’t eat strawberries, the lady that can’t have shellfish, the kid that can’t have sugar? Did their Higher Power stamp the numbers of the beast on their forehead and cast a punishment upon them too? No. (continued in book)

Call me crazy!

Call me crazy, but I recently hosted a wine tasting party at my house. Some of my friends asked how I could do this without being tempted to drink. Some questioned how I could serve alcohol when I also try to help other‘s quit alcohol. You might even question my motivations. Isn’t it wrong for me to host a party that promotes drinking when I should be helping people stay away from alcohol? Why would a reformed alcoholic have a wine tasting party? Here‘s why: Because I want to live in America like a normal person. Just because I don‘t drink doesn‘t mean you can‘t.

I simply hosted a party. My goal was to make sure that my guests were treated well, had a good time and were safe. Most adults are capable of being responsible social drinkers. Only one of my guests got too drunk. He passed out on my couch and I showed restraint by not letting people draw on him or put Cheetos in his butt and take pictures. I also made sure that his girlfriend drove him home.

I did not push my sober lifestyle on anyone. I never talked about my drinking past. Guests who I had never met before had no idea that I don’t drink. People were comfortable and they had a good time. Guess who else had a good time??? I did! It was enjoyable socializing with everyone and talking about all of the different types of wines. We had cheese, fruit, snacks, food, music and a lot of fun.

I refuse to hide from the reality that other people can and will drink. I want to be part of life and alcohol is part of life in America. I didn’t need any super-human willpower to not drink, I simply didn’t drink. I will admit that it was tempting to have a sip or two, but I didn’t. I didn’t host this party to prove a point to anyone, not even to myself. I just wanted to have a party.

I pass this story along to you in an attempt to help you realize how important it is to live a normal life and learn to enjoy life as a sober person. Adam Smith said “Laissez-faire”. The phrase means “let people do [what they choose].” Just because you don’t drink doesn’t mean you should force your sober lifestyle upon others. Accepting this has enabled me to maintain friendships with people and to be a welcome guest in the lives of people I care about. Some people even consider me a role model. I am honored to be viewed that way. My goal is to be an example to other reformed drunks and show them that you can enjoy life sober. Hopefully they will experience a rewarding life far beyond mine and far beyond their own imaginations.

There is no shame!

There is no shame in being an alcoholic or problem drinker - many wonderful, loving and productive people have alcohol problems. The shame is if you don’t acknowledge it and do something about it.

You do not have to be defined by past actions or past experiences. This is not to say that you can live in denial. Consequences of your past must be accepted. Unplanned children, crimes, unsavory activities, embarrassing actions, debts, broken relationships - these must be accepted as realities - but they don’t have to define how you approach sobriety and how you start your new life.

A couple of examples:

(#1) I was at the burial service for my favorite Uncle. It was a beautiful sunny July day. The service was at a small country cemetery in central Wisconsin. Most of the people attending were extended relatives and friends of our family. After the service many people hung around and reminisced about George. I had numerous people come up to me and say, “Hi Mark, it’s so nice to see you again.” I would look at them and think, “Do I know you?” Then they would continue on, “Do you still have your lake house? That was so much fun when we came over.” They talked about going for boat rides and grilling out, what a wonderful party host I was. I had no recollection of who these people were, but they were at my house!

It was a sad reminder that I missed a lot of my life while I was a drunk. But I didn’t feel shame and I didn’t have to tell them about my “tale of woe” of how I no longer drink - I just enjoyed the moment with them. It doesn’t have to stop me from opening my heart and my home up to them in the future and getting to know them better.

(#2) I invited a friend over to my lake house. We could go boating, swimming, grill out and enjoy a nice summer day. They told me, “I want to come over, but I can’t because I want to have a couple of beers, then I can’t drive. I already have one D.U.I. Why don’t you come over to my house?”

While the part about not wanting to drink and drive is admirable - this is a very revealing statement. This person could have just as easily said, “I can’t go anywhere because my life is controlled by alcohol - I HAVE to drink to live.” I suppose I could have gone over to their house, but all I would have been doing was supporting and enabling their drinking.

I think it’s sad that someone would pass on and miss out on so many great opportunities for fun in life because their every action is controlled by and revolves around drinking. I’m glad that I no longer have to live under that control. I may feel guilt, sadness and remorse for my past life and actions, but I will not allow it to define how I approach the future. I like being able to fully engage in life - sober.

Sober @ Super Bowl

Super Bowl doesn’t have to be a downer. It doesn't have to be a time for you to hide OR have a drunken relapse. You can enjoy the parties, sports bars and the game without getting hammered. And it doesn’t have to turn into a tempting situation for you either. Just like the players, you plan ahead, practice and be ready for what will probably happen.

Beer Commercials: There will be plenty of them and most are entertaining and funny. So laugh at the humor and creativity of them – but remember that they DON’T depict reality. Real beer commercials would show somebody being arrested, puking, passing out, arguing with friends or partners, waking up next to a Wildebeest. Beer is a great product – many people can drink it responsibly, even get completely drunk on it without incident. So what? Doesn’t mean you have to.

Sports Bars: I love going to Sports Bars to watch football. But I always make sure that I plan ahead. I either take my own car or I offer to be the designated driver. I also make sure that I run my own separate bar bill from the people that I’m with. I drink: Ice Tea, Seltzer with a twist of lemon, Coke with a lime or Cranberry juice. If a team scores and people want to buy a round of shots, I accept and give it to someone else. Then when the game is over and the bill comes,,,

Mine = $3.00

Theirs = $100.00+

House Party: Bring your own refreshments. Don’t expect your host to accommodate your non-drinking lifestyle. Bring seltzer, soda or N.A. beer. Watch and enjoy the game and make a game out of watching the changing dynamics as people become progressively drunker. If all the drinking starts to bother you, then leave – this is YOUR problem not theirs.

Hosting a party: It’s your house and you can set the rules. If you don’t want anyone drinking, then that’s your rule – but you’ll limit who might attend. You can supply the food, snacks and beverages of your choice. I don’t supply my guests with beer, wine or liquor. If they want it, they can bring their own. You can ask them to take their “leftovers” with them if having a couple beers around is too tempting for you. Again, it’s your house and you set the rules – not only for guests but for yourself.

In summary: Enjoy the game, do what you must to keep yourself sober. If that means you stay home, so be it. If you go out, don’t be an annoying asshole and point out others drunken behaviors (remember, that was you once). Don’t belittle or begrudge others of having something you can’t. This could be your best Super Bowl ever – you’ll remember the game, won’t spend a shitload of money and won’t be hung-over the next day.

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Suggested Reading:

Reading books has helped keep my mind off of drinking, it has furthered my knowledge and has been helping me become a better person. Here's a list of some books that I suggest reading. They are not directly related to alcoholism or addiction but they have helped me to understand how to accept personal responsibility for my own thoughts and actions. Some are very thought provoking - some are just fun to read. I hope you enjoy them.

"Mistakes Were Made (but not by me)." / Carol Tavris and Elliot Aronson

"How to Win Friends and Influence People" / Dale Carnegie

"Blind Spots" / Madeleine L. Van Hecke, PhD

"Blink" / Malcolm Gladwell

"Outliers" / Malcolm Gladwell

"Why We Suck" / Denis Leary

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If you like this site and feel like you got something out of it please make a $5.00 contribution. Why? I don't have ads or sponsors. They want your cookies I won't share any info with anyone. This site and my books are personally funded by me. Your contributions really do help. Click here to read more about my mission andwhy I do this. Please make a $5.00 contribution thru PayPal. Thank you.